After discussing it with my husband, David, I have decided to finally share our story about the loss of our baby with the world. This blog post was actually typed up in February and I have just been waiting for the right time to share it with everyone. I hope to help someone who is also going through a miscarriage or someone who has miscarried in the past.
December 28th, 2014
As I’m standing in the kitchen heating up leftovers for dinner, I slowly got a whiff of a smell that did not sit right with me. I rushed to the bathroom in a panic feeling like I was about to lose whatever was left of my lunch. I stood in the bathroom trying to get myself together and while doing so, I decided to pee on a stick! I waited for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life to read my awaited destiny. Before the time was up I saw 2 lines. There was no mistake, I WAS FINALLY PREGNANT!
Let me back this up a bit further… David and I started to try for a second baby in August of 2013. I had scheduled at the beginning of the month to have my Mirena removed at the end of the month. Unexpectedly, my best friend was killed in a car accident and it had put our baby plan on hold for a bit. Once we started to pick up the pieces of a great loss, we decided to start trying. We didn’t have much luck. I peed on more sticks than I could keep track of. Ovulation sticks one week and pregnancy sticks the next week, still no baby. It wasn’t long before we received more bad news. Someone else very near and dear to our hearts was in a car accident in March of 2014. He was left paralyzed and we dedicated as much time as possible to being there for him and his family. Our baby plan was put on hold for a little while longer. Months had passed and David & I just weren’t connecting. Between all the tragedies that had happened that year, and some personal things we were dealing with, we forgot to put each other first. Our communication was at it’s worst and we just weren’t spending much time together as a married couple. Obviously, bringing a baby into our lives at that time was just not right, no matter how much either of us wanted it.
In October of 2014, we decided to seek help from an outside source to help put our lives back together. To help us become better listeners and more respectful of each other. Let me just say, of all the things we have ever done, this has by far been the best decision we could have made for ourselves. Our life together started to change drastically.. and for the better! Our communication has been amazing and at an all-time high and we even started going to church. We made the decision to put ourselves and our family first at all times. We were so busy stretching ourselves thin trying to be there for everyone else and the people that we love and care about that we neglected our greatest gift, our marriage and our family. These past few months we have faced problems in our marriage that we just buried and never dealt with and it has been refreshing. Our marriage has been revamped! Let’s just say baby making was not on hold anymore. While we weren’t necessarily planning to get pregnant, we were not preventing it either… And well, you know what they say, you receive the things you want when you least expect it…
December 28th, 2014
As I’m standing in the kitchen heating up leftovers for dinner, I slowly got a whiff of a smell that did not sit right with me. I rushed to the bathroom in a panic feeling like I was about to lose whatever was left of my lunch. I stood in the bathroom trying to get myself together and while doing so, I decided to pee on a stick! I waited for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life to read my awaited destiny. Before the time was up I seen 2 lines. There was no mistake, I WAS FINALLY PREGNANT!
I thought I was dreaming for a minute. I screamed for David to come to the bathroom quickly.. He came and I just pointed at the stick lying on the bathroom sink. When he finally put the pieces together we both looked at each other with happy tear filled eyes and extremely large smiles! He then ran out the door to buy another test because he “wanted to be sure”. Never in my life have I heard of a false positive but I let him go and I took another test when he returned… the results were in… yup, you got it, still pregnant!
December 29th, 2014
I was so anxious to get everything going, I was up early calling the doctor’s office. That afternoon I was having a blood test done and within 24 hours it was confirmed by the doctor’s office that I was pregnant. I then set up my first 2 appointments to be seen. The first appointment scheduled for January 26th, just meeting with a nurse about my health history & the second appointment scheduled for February 10th, which was the sonogram appointment!
January 1st, 2015
We went all over town searching for a shirt for Kylie that said “I’m a BIG SISTER”.. After several failed attempts; we finally found what we were looking for in the Junior Board Café at the hospital. Kylie had no idea what was going on, all she knew was her legs were getting tired from walking around several stores all over town. Once we finally had the shirt in our possession we went to the truck and we told her the news. She was somewhat excited. I think it had to really sink in before she was over the top excited. We had her put on the shirt and we went to our parents houses one by one announcing the news. We decided to only tell family and closest friends until our first sonogram. Our family and friends were very happy to hear the news.
The next few weeks seemed to go by very slow. I was extremely tired and hungry. The nausea seemed to hit shortly after taking my prenatal pill. My breasts were growing rather quickly, much faster than I remember from my first pregnancy with Kylie, and they were very sore. My stomach even seemed to stick out faster than I remember the first time around. We decided we wanted to document as much as possible with this pregnancy. Our first pregnancy, Pinterest was not yet around so all the cool ways to document things had not yet surfaced. I wanted to do a belly picture every 2 weeks. We took a photo at what we believed to be our 4th week in. The excitement of it all was really setting in. We had decided on names and I even started to plan out the nursery.
January 22nd, 2015
I met David for his lunch break and we decided to spend it just browsing in Carters looking at baby clothes! On the way out I decided to tell David about a dream I had.. More like a nightmare… I had a dream I woke up bleeding! It made me very nervous to even think that so I just pushed it out of my mind. That Saturday, I woke up and there was blood.. Not much, just a little when I would pee. I thought maybe it was a bladder infection or a kidney infection so I just went on about my day thinking I could just mention it to the nurse on Monday when I went in. We went out for a little family outing and when we returned I was still worried about the blood so we went to the ER. They ran blood work, tested my urine, did a pelvic exam, as well as an ultrasound. They said everything seemed to be normal and that I was measuring at about 5 weeks. It seemed odd because based on the first day of my last cycle, I should have been about 7 weeks. But hey, I’m not a doctor. Needless to say, the doctor said even though everything seemed normal, he could not guarantee I wouldn’t miscarry. He labeled it a “threatened pregnancy”. Well that’s enough to make any mother feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.. NOT! All I could do was worry and wait for Monday to be seen at my doctor’s office. If that wasn’t enough, I noticed my body changing. My breasts were not sore anymore and I was not feeling as sick as I had been. Talk about a stressful weekend. All I could do was think the worst and pray for the best.
January 26th, 2015
The day I had been waiting for had finally arrived. I was very anxious waiting to be seen. I had barely slept in 2 nights and I was fueled by worry. The nurse finally called us back after what had seemed like an eternity. She did my vitals and had me pee in a cup. There was still blood.. More blood then there had been. In the pit of my stomach, I knew what the outcome was. I told the nurse from the beginning what was going on and she didn’t seem to be too worried. I understand they deal with these issues a lot and some women do actually bleed and still have a healthy pregnancy but I think I know my body better than any nurse or doctor. We went ahead with the appointment as normal. At the end of the appointment, the nurse stated since the hospital had just checked my HGC levels and they looked good, they would draw my blood at my next appointment on Feb 10th. She then asked if I had any questions. I looked at my husband with worry all over my face. It couldn’t have been more clear if someone had wrote it in black permanent marker on my forehead. My husband spoke up for me and said that I needed some sort of reassurance and that I was hoping to at least have my blood drawn again. The nurse said she was going to go over my hospital report with the doctor and in the mean time I should check out at the front desk and then have a seat. I did just that.
Just as I sat down she came out and called me in the back again. The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound of his own. Before he performed the ultrasound I had to empty my bladder since it was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. When I was in the bathroom I started to cry and panic. I knew it was not going to be good news. My husband was in the waiting room with our daughter who was excited to start coming to doctor appointments to learn all about the baby’s health and growth. I texted my husband while I was laying on the table waiting for the doctor. I let him know what was going on. When the doctor finally came in, he asked me about my visit to the emergency room. I explained everything to him and he looked a little puzzled. What I told him did not match the report accurately. The ER doctor said according to the ultrasound and my HGC levels, I was about 5 weeks along and I was at the stage that they call an Early IUD. However, his report stated I was 6 weeks and 3 days and that the ultrasound showed no fetal heartbeat. I instantly cried.
The doctor said he wanted to see what was going on for himself and make his own report. When he did the ultrasound, the sac was empty. He proceeded to explain what we should be seeing and what we weren’t seeing. He apologized and said I had what they called a missed miscarriage. My heart sank. I was completely crushed. He had the nurse go get my husband. Some of the other nurses entertained Kylie in another room while the doctor spoke with us. David knew immediately what was going on when he walked in. His eyes started to water and he just hugged me. The doctor was very professional and handled it just as I would have wanted. He made me feel comfortable and explained how I couldn’t have done anything to prevent this. He said “THESE THINGS HAPPEN. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.” He was right. Nothing I did differently would have prevented this. However, it didn’t hurt any less. The doctor suggested I have the D&C procedure instead of miscarrying on my own at home. I decided that was the best option for me. I was already upset and I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible instead of having a painful reminder that I was miscarrying. We set the procedure up for the next day.
In the mean time we went home and had a very emotional day. We told our family and we also had to tell Kylie. Telling Kylie was extremely difficult. How do you explain to an excited 6 year old that the thing she is most excited about is gone?! I sat her in my lap and my husband explained to her that our baby had gone to heaven. He then asked if she had any questions and she said no. We all just sat there for a few minutes processing the day. David then left to go to the grocery store to get stuff to make lunch. Once he left I heard Kylie in her bedroom crying. When I walked in and saw her, my heart sank. I asked her what was wrong and I lifted her into my lap. She was hysterically crying and when she finally caught her breath, she said she really wanted to be a big sister. All I could do was hug her and cry. I explained to her that she would be a big sister eventually…hopefully sooner rather than later. I also told her that any time she was upset about it she could come to either me or her daddy and we would listen and be there for her. For the rest of the day I tried to stay very busy. I cleaned, had lunch with my family, and we watched Harry Potter. I tried to go on as normal as possible for Kylie and for my sanity. David’s mom and niece came by. They brought flowers, beautiful flowers and a card. My mom and my nephew came by. My mom brought me an electric blanket to help with my back pain and any cramping I may have. I was very grateful for that because the next morning I woke up in a ton of pain.
January 27th, 2015
Happy 9TH Anniversary to David & I…. not so much. I didn’t get much sleep and I was in an immense amount of pain and the bleeding was much heavier. David took Kylie to school for me since usually I’m the one to do it because he has to be to work early. When he returned, he returned with flowers and a card… an anniversary card! I talked so much about our anniversary but when it had finally arrived, I had forgotten. As if I didn’t feel terrible enough. My mind was elsewhere and given my situation physically, I couldn’t really go shopping or plan anything. So, we just laid in bed and watched TV and tried not to focus on what was about to happen. I couldn’t eat or drink anything so David endured that with me. When it was time to get ready and leave the house I couldn’t help but to cry and get upset.
When we arrived at the hospital, I checked in at the outpatient surgery center. As I was sitting in the lobby surrounded by families waiting for loved ones in surgery as well as people waiting to go in to surgery, I was beginning to panic. If reality hadn’t already sank in it was sinking in now! I noticed there were two old ladies dressed as clowns and they were trying to cheer everyone up. The thought was nice and warming to the heart but the reality of it was I was praying neither of them would come up to me. Of course I couldn’t get away that easily. Just as David took all my forms to the front desk, one of the clowns spotted me sitting alone. She approached me and tried to put a smile on my face.. And I smiled… not a genuine smile but more like a “I don’t want to be rude and crush your spirits and discourage you from trying your best to do good and help others” smile. It seemed like forever before David came back over. Once he sat back down next to me the lady talked for just a few more minutes, gave us each a sticker and went on her way.
The nurse called me back shortly after that to start on my vitals and gather information for my file. Once we were finished she set me up in a room where I was prepped for surgery. David and I were in there for about an hour or so before I actually went into surgery. My mom who actually works for the hospital took her lunch to come visit with me. Between her, David, & the nurse I wasn’t as stressed. Matter of fact, David did everything he could to make me comfortable because well, I was extremely nervous. I was scared of being put under general anesthesia. He was playing with everything in the room; just like a little kid. He put on rubber gloves and started searching for the lube. I couldn’t help but to laugh! I told him that I couldn’t believe this was the way we were spending our 9 year anniversary. His response was “It’s a free room!” He kept the situation as light as possible.
As the time got closer I asked my husband to pray and we did just that! We both looked up in tears. We shared many laughs and tears in that room waiting. We still had some time because the doctor was running late, so I decided to watch Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve never even really watched the show but how ironic is it that it was on while I was lying in a hospital bed about to have a surgical procedure?! Pretty ironic to me. Shortly after that a couple of nurses came in and spoke with me and the doctor followed them and ran over what would happen in the OR. Once he was done the nurse slipped some “happy juice” as they kept calling it into my IV. Once we arrived to the extremely cold OR the anesthesiologist slipped the oxygen mask over my face and asked me to take some death breaths The next thing I remember was waking up in recovery, crying. Yup, I woke up and instant water works. I wasn’t in pain physically but mentally I was in a lot of pain. David came in and saw that I was upset. He got me home and I just relaxed for the next week. David stayed home from work to take care of me and to just be my emotional support system.
I know that miscarriages are very common but you never know how common until it happens to you. I would never wish it on anyone. While I’m upset about the loss of our baby, I can’t help but be excited about trying again! I know that I was only a little over 6 weeks when it happened but I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I’ve had my highs and my lows throughout this whole experience. Sad that I’ll never know the child that was a part of me but happy that I am able to try again and there is no reason I can’t have another happy, healthy baby! & there’s the silver lining! I am able to get pregnant naturally and carry a baby to full term and I have every reason to believe that I will.